Letting Go
by worstliarever
Summary: Alex is back from Africa and failed to tell Olivia, again.


**_A/N: So Reggieme mentioned ralst's Epic Proportions Challenge is coming up and i thought i would take part. However so far i am yet to write in SVU and thought i would give a small one shot a go before i commited to a longer fic. So this was an experiment in characterisation. Let me know how i did!_**

Olivia Benson strode through the foyer of the 1-6 Precinct making a beeline for her desk. She shucked her brown leather coat and braced herself for another long day. Her partner, Elliot Stabler, was slumped over paperwork a donut frozen half way to his mouth. He was so perplexed by what he was reading that he was yet to notice the arrival of his long time friend.

"I guess I should be glad that you aren't drooling." Olivia smirked as Elliot finally realised what he looked like.

"I would have a witty come back, but I am too tired. Eli was up all night with a fever. I am running on sugar here."

"Well at least we just have paperwork then, no leg work." Olivia snatched a donut from the box in front of Elliot, waving away his glare.

"Your good mood is annoying, just pass me the Johnson file and beam at someone else." The harshness of Elliot's words was weakened by the mirth in his eyes.

It felt like they had been sitting at their desks for hours. Elliot had managed to consume more donuts than his stomach should have been able to hold. Olivia was glad for the quiet day, for her partner's sake, but the lack of movement was getting to her. She was already planning a heavy session at the gym after work to compensate for the slow day. The silence of the room was soon disrupted by the sounds of Fin and Munch returning from Court.

"You can't be serious!" The exasperated tone of Fin's voice was more common than not when he was conversing with his partner.

"Oh but I am, that Sheriff's officer was exquisite." Munch's head was tilted as he was remembering the woman in question.

"If you need glasses maybe."

"Everyone needs love, Fin."

"Yea, even you!" Fin slumped into his chair.

"I take it that the sentencing went well?" Olivia chose to ignore Munch and Fin's banter.

"As we expected, he got 15 to life. Less than what he deserves if you ask me." Said Fin.

"We bumped into our erstwhile ADA Cabot on the Court steps though. She had an entourage of bright-eyed students behind her. She knows how to captivate an audience, that woman, whoever they are." Said Munch.

"Students? Why would she have students? What happened to Africa?" Olivia could never stop her curiosity when it came to Alex Cabot, as much as she wanted to ignore her.

"You don't know? It turns out she has changed careers yet again. She is a lecturer at Columbia teaching Criminal Law and Court techniques. I think that's what it was. She was in a rush." Said Munch.

"That woman has more careers than I have had children." Elliot smirked.

The rest of the team went back to their paperwork aware that they might clock off on time for once. Olivia's interest in her DD5's was completely gone. As was usually the case, all her attention was turned to Alex Cabot. This new career would have to mean that she was back in New York permanently. That information felt like a stab in the gut, she was being ignored again. Olivia knew that their friendship that had grown stronger and stronger before Velez, was well and truly dead. Alex clearly wanted nothing to do with her.

Later that night Olivia was sitting on her couch wearing her most comfortable sweats and well worn NYPD t-shirt. She felt like she deserved the downtime after a serious gym session, so she rewarded herself with her favourite Thai and her secret guilty pleasure movie, Hope Floats. She knew it was a corny film, but it was one of Sandra Bullock's best work and the actor's easy smile and bubbly laughter at the end of the film was like a soothing balm.

The film was just about to reach its climax with Sandra's character working at the photo-developing store, unaware of Harry Connick Jnr's presence outside, when Olivia heard a knock at her door. She was going to ignore it, she didn't really want any visitors tonight, but the knocking became insistent. Crossing the room in quick strides, Olivia looked through the peephole and couldn't believe who was on the other side of her door. Placing both of her hands on door, head dropping forward, Olivia considered her options. She could just let Alex keep knocking or she could open the door. As much as ignoring the woman seemed like the best plan, she realised that she would never get the friendship they once shared back unless she made herself available. She wanted to believe that she didn't need that friendship, didn't need Alex, but she promised to stop cutting herself off from people.

Alex of course looked better than ever. She was wearing those damned glasses, crisp grey pants with a matching jacket, killer heels and a flowy top. Put together didn't begin to describe this woman.

"Detective." Olivia forgot how much she loved that greeting.

"Counsellor." Her mother always taught her to be gracious, to say please and thankyou and make sure her guests were comfortable. Interrogating someone on her doorstep about why they were here did not sit well with that, as much as she wanted to do it. "Come in. Take a seat." Olivia gestured to the couch.

As Olivia crossed the room to take a seat, she realised what she was wearing, not exactly Cabot worthy attire. A shy smile crossed her lips as she smoothed out non-existent wrinkles on her sweats. "Sorry about…" She made a sweeping movement to her clothes "I wasn't expecting company."

"Don't worry about it. I was the one who turned up unannounced." Alex beamed that smile, the one that made butterfly's dance in her stomach, and Olivia wanted to forgive her for everything, but her conscience wouldn't let her.

"So what are you doing here?" Once it was out of her mouth, she realised what it sounded like.

Alex laughed. "I deserve that I suppose. I knew when Munch and Fin saw me today that it would get back to you. I was hoping to be able to tell you myself, but it all happened so fast. Today was actually my first day. I have only been back in New York for a week."

"You're lecturing at Columbia?"

"I am. I mentioned to Phillip, the Dean of Law, that I wanted something that would keep me in New York. He called me with the placement two weeks ago and here I am. Phillip was really accommodating. He acquiesced to all of my demands, one of which was to set up a free legal advice service for women. He was happy to do it because it looks good for the Law School, the students come out with real life experience and the publicity is fantastic. I was glad because it lets me continue working with victims, just in another way."

"I'm glad you get to keep working with victims, but what about Africa? Why did you give that up?"

Alex examined her hands searching for the best way to explain herself. She sighed as she came to a conclusion. "I needed to be here. I had to stop running." She looked up and Olivia was looking back at her with the same understanding and kind face she used when dealing with the victims she came face to face with everyday.

Olivia reached across and grabbed Alex's hand. She knew that there was more to be said, and she decided to just be there, as a comfort and a support and let Alex set the pace.

"I wish I could tell you why I did it, but I have no idea. I was just so restless when I came back from witsec. I just wanted to avoid anything that pre-Velez Alex had to do with. I cut off all my old friends, my old job, and started again. But I didn't really start again, I was hiding. That's when I decided to come back to SVU. I wanted old Alex back. I went about it all wrong though didn't I?" Alex finally looked up from Olivia's hand that was still grasping hers.

"It was a shock to see you there Alex, after all that time, all that silence." Olivia's voice was practically a whisper, as if she was afraid that emotion would overtake her if she spoke too loud.

"I was an idiot. I thought if I just came back and acted as if nothing happened, then so would everyone else, so would you. However, I couldn't have been more wrong. That look on your face when I turned up to the crime scene, I regretted it instantly, but I was all in and so I decided to forge on. I wanted so desperately for us to be friends again, and when it didn't happen, I ran again."

Olivia started to rub her thumb along the back of her hand, soothing her as she poured out her soul. She was scared to comment, scared that she would spook Alex and the confession would stop.

After moments of silence, Alex worked up the courage to continue. "Abbie told me. I'm sorry I don't know how to segue into this. She told me that you were hurt that I was leaving you again. She never went into any details, but I could tell it was about more than just a friend going overseas. I realised then what a mistake I had made." Alex turned away from Olivia and watched out the window, immediately aware when Olivia's thumb stopped moving across her hand.

Olivia sat in silence, her heart thumping against her chest. Could this be? Could Abbie have given her away? It wasn't that Olivia was scared of her feelings, she just never thought that Alex would return them. She moved her free arm up and ran a finger down Alex's jaw, when she reached the other woman's chin; she grasped it and turned her face toward her. "Mistake?"

"I thought you had given up on me. That glimmer that was there before Velez…it was gone. Hundreds of lonely nights analysing it, as Emily, I convinced myself it was a mirage. I thought, what was the point, you obviously had moved on, not only from that glimmer, the touches and the looks, but from the friendship too. So I threw myself into my work, I moved myself as far as I could get. It would seem the Congo was as far as I could go. When I was in DC a few weeks ago, and Abbie let it slip, I just knew I had to do whatever I could to get back here." Slow tears began to stream down Alex's face, her vision starting to blur.

"Alex." Olivia said her name like a prayer, and it felt like one too.

"I know, I screwed up, and I can't expect you to forgive me. I will do whatever you want, I will settle for just friends if you want Olivia, whatever I can get. My life without you was miserable, and I can't do that again."

Olivia cupped Alex's cheek, using her free hand to lift off the other woman's glasses and catch some of the falling tears. Alex's skin was so soft and warm, Olivia wondered how she would just be friends with this woman knowing what one touch did to her.

"I thought you didn't want me. You came back from witsec and I never heard from you. I had to hear about your return from someone else. I thought that you regretted our friendship, where I thought it was going. Then when you ended up engaged, that only confirmed my suspicions. When you came back to SVU I was just so hurt. I was grieving, for our friendship, for what could have been. Today when I found out you were back again, without any word from you, I was sure that our friendship was over." Olivia's hand never left Alex's cheek. She felt grounded by the touch.

"I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. God I screwed everything up. How can you ever forgive me? Ever trust me again?" Alex's chest started to heave as her body wracked with sobs.

Olivia started to run her fingers through Alex's hair, her head laying in her lap. Every fibre of her being was telling her to forgive Alex, to take her into her arms and never let her go. This was so much information to process in such a short amount of time.

"Alex, come on get up."

Alex's head shot up from Olivia's lap, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "I'm sorry, I'll get out." She started to gather her things, quickly running to the door.

"Alex!" There was no mistaking the tone of Olivia's voice. It was a command. "Don't run from me again."

Alex slowly turned around, a sheepish look on her face. "I thought you wanted me to leave."

Olivia approached Alex like she would a wounded animal, taking careful even steps. "I was just going to suggest that we go to sleep. This has been emotionally draining. There is more to say, but not tonight."

"You want me to stay here?"

"We have wasted too long, Alex. We need to work this out." She took Alex's hand and led her to the bedroom.

"You want me to stay here?"

"You already said that." Olivia was wearing that lop sided grin that made Alex's heart leap.

"I meant in your room."

"The couch is too small to sleep on, so yes in here. Is that a problem?"

"No no, that's fine." Alex could feel her skin heat at the thought of sharing a bed with Olivia even if it was because they were too exhausted to continue their discussion.

Olivia gave Alex a t-shirt and sweats to sleep in. When Alex got out of the bathroom, Olivia was already in bed. Alex tried to take up as little space as possible in the bed, facing away from Olivia curling into herself. Moments later, she felt the bed dip and Olivia's warmth press against her back. Her breath caught in her throat when she felt Olivia's hand snake around her torso and rest comfortably on her stomach. The breath on her neck was driving her to distraction, but it was oddly soothing at the same time. The soft cadence of Olivia's breathing soothed Alex to sleep. It was the deepest sleep she had had since Velez.

When Alex woke, she was in the same position as when she fell asleep. The only difference was Olivia's hand was under her top drawing patterns on her bare stomach. It felt so right. Alex thought that if she just stayed still, Olivia would continue.

"Morning." Alex should have known she wouldn't be able to fool the detective.

"I was hoping you wouldn't realise I was awake and continue what you were doing." The truth felt nice for once, it felt right to tell Olivia exactly what she was thinking.

"I wasn't planning on stopping." Liv's breathy tone sent a frisson of desire straight thought Alex.

"I've come to a decision." Said Olivia.

Alex was immediately on edge. "Oh?" she wanted to sound nonchalant, but failed miserably when her voice cracked.

Olivia pulled Alex back into her moulding their bodies together. "I can't be without this, Alex. We've waisted so much time. We both could have done things differently. But if I let anger and resentment colour my decision, we will just waste more time. I sat up all night thinking about this. There is no way this would end any differently for me. Knowing that you want me, that you came back here with hopes of something more than friendship, it changes everything. I've decided to give us a chance, start fresh."

"Liv, I am so happy to hear you say that. I know I don't deserve it, but thank you." Alex desperately wanted to see Olivia's face; she turned in the embrace, coming face to face with the woman who had consumed her thoughts for way too long.

"We still have a lot to work through."

"Of course we do. But you want this, want me?"

"Yes Alex, to both questions." Olivia inched closer, searching Alex's eyes. She tipped her head gently bringing their lips together for their first tentative kiss. Alex eyes fluttered shut at the touch, expelling a silent sigh. Olivia's hand snaked around her back drawing Alex closer, deepening the kiss.

Olivia started to whimper when Alex began alternately nipping at her bottom lip and soothing it with her tongue. It was more than the detective could bear, she crashed their bodies together and sucked Alex's tongue fully into her mouth. Alex moaned at the contact, her hips rocking, seeking purchase.

They broke apart, gasping for air. Alex's eyes were so dark, clouded with lust, all the years of suppressed desire roaring back to life. "Liv, I want you so bad."

Olivia's only response was to push Alex onto her back and start divesting the younger woman of her clothes. Olivia couldn't keep her hands still as she caressed each patch of ivory skin that was revealed to her. When Alex's bra was finally tossed carelessly across the room, Olivia paused. She wanted to etch this moment into her memory, saving it for her darkest moments. The flush that started to spread across Alex's chest was so sexy; Olivia wanted to trace it all with her tongue.

Alex started to writhe beneath Olivia as the detective traced every inch of her skin. She was clawing at the older woman's back, soft moans escaping her lips. The first touch of Olivia's tongue to her straining nipple was a revelation. There was no way that anything had ever felt this good, this right. She was sure that she was going to explode from the sheer pleasure of it. Alex was rolling her hips into Olivia and realised she still had her clothes on.

"How are you still clothed?"

Olivia could feel Alex's hands make their way under her t-shirt as she tried to take the garment off. She was so enthralled with Alex's breasts; she didn't want to move, not even for a second. She finally gave in and let Alex disrobe her.

"Please, Liv. I can't take much more." Alex's voice was honeyed with desire.

Olivia wanted to speak. She wanted to ask the younger woman what she wanted but her voice betrayed her. She lifted her head and locked eyes with Alex, their chests heaving. Alex licked her lips, her hips still rolling trying to get some much-needed friction.

"Please, fuck me." Alex knew she was begging, she didn't care, she just wanted to feel Olivia.

"Oh god!" Olivia couldn't believe that this was happening, that the gorgeous woman beneath her wanted her. She shifted her body, placing a thigh in between Alex's legs. Alex gasped at the contact, her hips immediately grinding down onto Olivia's leg, spreading her wetness.

"You are so wet, Alex."

"God yes, so wet, I want you so bad." Alex lifted her own thigh and Olivia groaned and started to rock into Alex. Both women were panting as they started to strain against each other. Olivia could see that Alex was close, the blonde's eyes were slammed shut, her mouth wide.

Olivia brought her hand between them, slipping two fingers deep into Alex's wet heat. Alex moaned deep in her throat and lifted her legs around Olivia's waist to draw the woman deeper into her. When Oliva started to rub across her clit in time with her strokes, Alex started to lose control. Her hips started to buck uncontrollably and she grabbed Olivia's arse urging her to fuck her harder.

Olivia was so close; Alex's hand on her arse was forcing her own wet core harder onto Alex's toned thigh. She crashed her lips to Alex's in a deep mind-numbing kiss.

Alex tore her mouth away from Olivia's and buried her face into the older woman's neck as she felt her orgasm approaching. Her body arched into Olivia as the waves crashed over her when Olivia pressed down hard onto her clit.

"Ah, there, god Liv don't stop. Yeesss!"

The feel of Alex's walls contracting against her fingers was too much for Olivia, she rocked harder, one final stroke releasing her own pulsing orgasm. She threw her head back as her body bowed. "Alex!"

Olivia slumped into Alex, their chests sticking together from the amount of sweat beading on their skin. Alex was running her hands up and down Olivia's back, soothing her down from her high. Olivia's head was tucked into Alex's neck, breathing in her scent.

Olivia placed a kiss against Alex's neck, revelling in the feel of the woman beneath her. She finally had enough energy to lift her head and stare into Alex's eyes. A wide smile spread across her face when she took in Alex, hair wild and body tinged pink from their lovemaking, smirking back at her.

"That was amazing." Alex knew she was beaming and she didn't care.

"Mmmm…Sure was." Olivia drew Alex into a slow, deep kiss.

"I'm so glad you opened the door." Alex caressed Olivia's cheek and smiled.

"Me too."

- Fin -


End file.
